the floorboards creaked as the two girls shifted themselves into a comfortable position on the brown sofa in the open hallway upstairs....i stood there leaning against the green room's door watching the girl placing her head against the sofa facing another girl....they both looked exhausted after the happening night which now seemed to be more peaceful and quiet...both were covered with a lil sweat that adds a lil gleam on their faces as the ceiling fan was spinning on a maximum speed...they were both having their hands on their phone with their fingers danced around the keypad-texting.i watched them doing that with amusement.later, they put their phones away and grabbed those square pillows and placed it above their laps, hugging them, crossed their legs in their dresses, and then i know, they're gonna have this very INTENSE conversation.....
and so...every heart to heart talk/pillow talk has this moment of warming up..i stood there watching them as they did the warming up session with questions being thrown at each other and then, the conversation began to flow more naturally....i watched their every movement as the another girl was telling the girl something...you know, something that u'll get that kind of expression that u'll see sparks in their eyes....the another girl has this 'spark of happiness' while i see a 'spark of relieve' in the girl's eyes...either ways....it was a worthwhile conversation so far as i began to observe further.....
a conversation can sometimes seemed to be like a sailing ship...it gets u to a destination and it'll continue sailing, ONLY IF the conversation is being handled well....and sometimes, uve no idea how you can sail to somewhre that you weren't intend to sail to...in other words: Going out of topic...that's the fun of a every conversation...the best conversations are never ending...well and so God-knows-how the another girl was telling the girl about 'the 5 addictions of guys'...intrested, i listened closely....so...it seems that guys are addicted to 5 major things:
1. Gaming
2. Flirting/girls
3. Drinking
4. Smoking
5. Gambling
as the another girl listed it all out, the girl nodded in agreement...and just suddenly, someone just came through her mind: HER BROTHER.so she was telling the another girl about her brother and the another girl was like:
'GOOD, keep him that way'.
and so, the conversation goes on....it was getting more intresting when the another girl was telling the girl the relationship of her friend with this guy who gave all his love to his girlfriend but finally something happened between them: the girlfriend was falling for another guy. the guy found out and so they broke up...what's worst was, the girlfriend had finally realised that she still loves him...they had been together for approximately 3years and it ended just like that...the girlfriend was feeling extremely guilty till she locked herself @ home, refusing to come out...
that wasnt the main thing here...the main thing that the another girl was emphasizing on was how much the boyfriend had gave to his girlfriend...how much he took care of her and the times he spent worrying about her and everything he did trying to keep her happy...of all things he sacrificed for his girlfriend, that was what he got...as the girl listened, she felt really really really sorry for the guy, although she doesnt know him in person...
and then they were both talking about the damage to the guy...THE GREATEST DAMAGE OF ALL: He wont be able to love another girl as much as before.. as they were talking about that, they both prayed hard that he would still give as much love to another girl who'll deserve it...but the damage could be too great....will you be able to endure it??
sometimes girls just know how to put a blame on a guy on how badly they were treated, how less attention the guy had given them but never once did they think about the damage a girl had caused the guy to change..VICE VERSA...it will be seem UNFAIR to the guy's next girlfriend because the love given wasnt as much as compared to before...she might've felt that he loved his ex more or something then some issue arise and the cycle goes on....it really takes a great courage for a girl to accept what's left of the guy...
the girl was back with her dreamy look again, praying hard that no girls out there would break her lil bro's heart...she would be carrying a lightsaber in her hands if anyone does.ok.it's epic i know.she wouldnt want to believe in perfection but how can she not when there is, right in front of her???and then the another girl was telling her about how she envies those couple who can date for so long ever since high school and ended up getting married....and telling her how perfect it would be when a girl would be the guy's last girlfriend and the guy being the girl's first and last boyfriend....the girl wouldnt want to believe in this too, but it's just creepy that daddy was mummy's first and last boyfriend and mummy being daddy's last girlfriend...when it's just right in front of you, how could you NOT believe in it?every1 has different fate, and eventhough perfections can only be found with a 0.01% chance, but it's all right in front of her all along for almost 22years, sad enough, she wouldn't dare to believe in it...she's not a risk taker afterall....
well...if i can voice out my opinion (but sadly i cant), i will still believe that good guys still exist....to all good guys out there, stay strong and love like how u used to love...it's just really sad to see you change because you're broken...soon enough u'll find what u were searching for..but dont even think of 'paying back' to another girl...if u dont think u deserve such treatment in the first place, dont do it to others!and girls, treat everyone right.enough said.
I was still leaning against the door, as i watched those 2 girls continue chatting through the night...im amazed that after HOURS of talk, they didnt even drink a single drop of water...girls are amazing at times....well, other than the fact that they are undoubtedly CONFUSING CREATURES,...smiling to myself, i stood there still being unnoticed..
the girl the eye...good guys still exist..
only if.....
the fear was just so great.....and it wasnt just about my studies and my career alright...
i'll just pray hard..........the uneasiness and the unhappiness were all caused by myself.....this would take a really long time to heal.......stupidity kills....
ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *#@!
i cant hate you anymore
"An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me."
"And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why."
"We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all."
"I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need."
"You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore."
"You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way."
"And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."
"Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?"
天后
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I FINALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FIND THE TRANSLATION OF THE SONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOOOO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *eyes glued on the screen with my sis* HHAAHHAHAHAHAHA it has such sad meaninggg T.T
omg.that annooying feeling in my heart again T.T
"你说的太少或太多都会让人更惶恐"
"谁任由谁放纵 谁会先让出自由"
"最后一定总是我"
"我嫉妒你的爱 气势如虹"
"你要的不是我 而是一种虚荣"
"推开苍白的手 推开苍白的厮守"
"管你有多么失措"
"别再叫我 心软是最致命的脆弱"
"我明明都懂却仍拚死效忠"
"如果有一天爱不再迷惑"
"足够去看清所有是非对错"
"直到那个时候 你在我的心中"
"将不再被歌颂 把你当作天后不会再是我......"
the more i listened to this, the more im addicted. I LIKE ALL THE 3 VERSIONSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOMENESS :D the meaning of the song is like so friggin deep =.= AND WHOEVER WHO DID THAT VIDEO URE A FRIGGIN GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
the girl the eye...haunted..
i watched her turned and tossed on her bed...in a room where a big black dandelion was stuck on the dark green wall...the wall fan kept spinning from left to right and her eyes were wide opened, staring right at the ceiling.....she kicked her blanket, hugging her pillow tightly as she tried searching for her right position, closing her eyes tightly hoping she could sleep....thousand things ran through her mind, a feeling inside that stabbed her so deeply that she wished she could get rid of it as soon as possible.....she inhaled every deep breath in hoping that it'll make her feel better.....
frustrated, she sat up straight and stared right out of the window.....the florescent light from her neighbour's house shined in, adding a little colour to the grey night....she went out of bed and went into the green room....slowly she reached for the switches and turned on the lights...she reached for phone, sat on the floor and turned it on.....
5.02 am
she couldnt get back to bed.staring around her room, she threw her phone on her bed with blue bed sheets, having white and yellow daisies printed on it....as she did that, the two oversized keychains clinged against each other, almost knocking her black acoustic guitar on her bed that she left it there the other night.....she grabbed her files and a book walked out the room, reaching for the keys, unlocked the gate went downstairs...........
she was in her father's study room, with all the files and books wide opened on a octagonal marble table.....scribbling furiously across the papers, was a lot of figures that seemed to be "columnized".....stuck halfway, she searched for solutions high and low from all her books....she was doing that for almost an hour.....but that successfully kept away her from thinking....after that one hour, she lost her focus again......she get her blue pencil and began to scribble something on her book..............
i shook my head as i saw her wrote that.something that she promised herself a few years back, it just keep coming back to haunt her....something that she wasnt aware of....ive no idea how long she can hold on to it....
please..just stop...
beautiful people..
#nowplaying If this was a movie LOL
thinking back of all those memories, i felt guilty because i know i wudnt have the time to create such memories with her again.......i wouldnt even have the chance to purposely buy her dinner and deliver to her (only had the time to fetch her from bus station and train station whenever she's back from smwhre)......she was always the one who came looking for me and be there for me all the time being so understanding with me and never once she complained about how lil time i'd give her....im sucha terrible wife =.=
now im happy that she actually found someone that actually love her after being hurt by so many idiotic humans from the past and she had finally found her dreams and is just a lil bit closer in reaching it.....im praying for the best for her.....
God knows when i'll have the chance to repay everything she did for me.....the ring that im wearing everywhere everyday, i DID promised her to buy her another one cuz hers was spoiled @.@ i was actually planning to buy it for her for her Valentine's present but i DIDNT.bcuz i sorta think that it was kinda inappropriate cuz i was thinking that it's the boyfie's job to get her a ring=.= lol I WAS JUST SO WRONG about it........a promise is a promise, i'll get her another one!!! so sorryyyy...... T.T
to the current boyfie, u wudnt have noticed my blog or whatever.... from the moment she first told me about you, i was hoping that u'll be another guy that'll TREAT HER RIGHT.man u shud just see her face when she was telling me about you.....the happiness that she was searching for so long....so PLEASE TREAT HER RIGHT.if you ended up being like one of her exes, IM SOOO FRIGGIN GONNA SCREW YOU UP.
thanks a lot andrea.....thanks for being there for me always...im gonna miss you when ure gone *tears* BIGGGGGGGGGGGG TIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTT BEARRRRRRRR HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you.
one hour later......
RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I JUST REALIZED THERE'RE ANOTHER 2 MANDARIN VERSION OF THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE FEMALE VERSION AND ANOTHER MALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PREFER THE MANDARIN ONES HAAHAHAHHHA OMGGGGGGGGG ADDICTED DOUUUUU @.@ but the title is 天后. still. i dunno what the song meant =.= #fail
the worst conversation..
well....it's like the end of month!!!and 29th February is a MUST to blog cuz such date will only appear in my blog for like FOUR YEAR ONCE =.= blogging with my phone AGAIN :D
isolation so far...my emotions are QUITE stable for now...there were times i sorta feel depressed but it lasted only for a few hours :) good ehhh???trying to clear my mind and opening my heart this way works @ times but i hope the effect wont be just temporary......im still wanting this isolation period!!!but they're just some things that i cant isolate myself from LOL but so far so good :D
so what happened during the isolation period:
- blue black all over my legs. dont ask why.
-staring-at-the-ceiling sessions.WEIRD+AWKWARD dreams.MORE WEIRD+AWKWARD dreams.
- work.work.work.
-wash.wash.wash.
-playing hide and seek.
-study.OH YES.i DID study alright.for like half and hour everyday after i came back frm my parent's office and for 3 hours every tuesday night =.=
-black and white keys :D playing the same song all over again.and owh, the song that ive been working on, is completed.as for the title, ive already figured it out :D
-eat.eat.eat LOL
so life wasnt that bad eh???i still do all the stuffs that i normally do....enjoyed some of it and still hated some of it LOL nothing's changed by the way i live, but DEFINATELY, smthing's changed the way i see things...
still trying to see the positive out of everything...learning to forgive eventhough the apology have not been communicated...you see...hating someone,having a grudge over someone is as hard as trying to love someone who's not loving you back...especially when the one you hated was the one u loved...in both situations, trying to let it go is the best way no matter how hard it is...
and the decision have been made.ive got supporters although some were against it.still, i'll try this round again with my insane choice.stay with me and pray for me alright???
owh..u muz b wondering what's with my title for this blog post haahahaha and the pictures definately dont relate to the title...it's my style of blogging trying to cramp a few issues into one blog post haha well..i was watching this korean drama with my sis....and there was this scene where the couple was in a restaurant....and then, i realized one thing....it was the girl who was doing all the talking, asking question and telling stuffs but all the guy did was nodded, expressionless+ didnt say much...
u must be thinking that the guy's probably listening so he's quiet throughout the conversation....but i dont knw why, the whole thing seemed like an interrogation to me =.= well...let's not apply this to couples, what about friends???i really hate conversations that makes me feel like not talking to them over again...for example, it's like u were excitingly telling them about smthing, u typed a really long message...and after like half an hour (uhh..cud be longer or less lol) they reply u with smthing short, sounded cold and unintrested, ur mood went down to level 0 (or below, aka negative ) =.=
example: human 1 excitingly telling her friend: 'OMMMMGGGGG I PASS MY TEST!!!' or 'OMGGGOOSHHHH FINALLY I BOUGHT THE PAIR OF SHOES THAT IVE BEEN EYEING FOR YEARS!!!'
and friend answered: 'oh really?good.'
DENG. conversation ended. does human 1 has the point to continue telling about her friend about the test or shoe??NO.not only left feeling hurt, such conversation definately ruined the short moment of joy she was having.selfish much??
i really appreciate those pple who knws how to keep a conversation going, NOT killing it with some potong-steamed attitute.it's not like all girls hate conversation killers but i do believe that some guys hated it as well...everyone hates it.or r u juz being choosy who to have the conversation with?man.wrong attitute.
i tend to keep a conversation going by asking questions, adding my own opinions and views or smthing about myself...sometimes, i succeed but smtimes i DONT.when the conversation begins to feel mre like an interrogation, i'll tend to change the topic, still trying to continue the conversation....sometimes i succeed, but sometimes i DONT...and when it feel like an interrogation AGAIN, damn it I GIVE UP lol it's either that person is unintrested or she/he sucked in conversing with others =.= and so, i dont give a damn about them anymore cuz if i DO, 150% definately + absolutely gonna bring my mood to level negative =.= haha
that's why ive always loved heart to heart talks...it definately can bring a conversation all over the night...that's why i love sleepovers...i can juz talk and talk and talk + LISTEN of cuz, till i fall asleep :) kinda missed doing it with my girlfriends though.....
i'll tend to have a big reaction whenever pple tells me stuffs....i dont wanna be those 'expressionless freaks' that'll make pple regret telling me smthing...smtimes i may give them the =.= LOOK but i did it on PURPOSE HAHAHAHAHA.and whenever i give them THIS =.= LOOK, usually my friends and i will end up laughing LOL
ah well...looks like this is a long post haha
im feeling afraid of something lately....i'll just take it as it comes...i'll never know how things will change but definately, i know this thing wont end up in a 'happy ever after' way....
have been listening to this malay song lately lol the last time i find myself being in love with malay songs was when i was in high school =.= kenangan terindah.haha.that song used to be my caller tune!!!the one ive been listening to, 'tiga kata' by kru.i think it's sung by malaysian.that song's cute!!!haha lightens up my mood @ times :) ending my post with smthing happier?yeah. :) and with a smile :)
just a smile and the rain is gone..
the book that i was telling u about, the one that i bought it from aussie...it's with my bro now....and he was reading it, in the end sending me a thank you msg telling me how much it changed his perceptions and how he likes the book....that author was a stress consultant...however, things that he wrote wasnt about stress actually...it's sort of like how to view life differently and how to live in a 'happier' way...how to let go of lil things that bother you etc
for a few months ive been suffering with all my problems that people perceived as 'small stuffs' but they just seemed big to me because, they're decisions that'll about to influence what im gonna do in the future....ive consulted my friends and lecturers and even talked to my parents about it =.= but in the end, i guess i still have to make the decision myself...
as per the previous post, ive been trying to keep myself positive/HAPPY even though ive got to fake it out bcuz i know, in this situation if im being true to myself, im gonna suffer MORE bcuz it's obvious that im not feeling alright....
there's this chapter in the book telling us to do 'nice things' once a while because the feeling of doing such things will give u the happiness from within...sounds familiar?well yeahh...that WAS what i enjoyed doing before i sort of like felt unappreciated and ended up feeling like an idiot =.= there are just 2 ways looking at this....i know, u might be thinking, doing 'nice stuffs' for others doesnt require any paybacks...be proud that ure someone that lights up other's life when they're in darkness...but when it comes to think about it, who's in turn gonna 'light up' ur life when ure in darkness???good deeds that u've sincerely gave/or NOT, somehow someday u'll feel worn off....but in my situation now, i guess ive got no choice but to look at this in a brighter way or else i'll end up being disappointed again.....
an example given in the book was paying the toll fees for the car behind you...how nice it will be when the car knew what uve done and it sort of inspire him to do the same right???and i remember there was once when i offered a hug to Judith in Aussie when she was feeling kinda frustrated....and she broke into a smile and said 'yes i need a hug right now' and u know what, that feeling was brilliant and she thanked me for just one simple hug....
and just sometimes when ure feeling down etc, ur mood will definately affect the mood of people around u...it's like when ure in a happy mood, u log into ur FB account/twitter account and u see pple start cursing about everything...finally u wish that u didnt login in the first place=.= it just SPOILS ur mood...i dunno whthr uve encountered that BUT i definately had...
about my isolation frm every1 starting 2mrw, i really think that it's what i need the most now...i need time to heal my own and do my own thinkings...i hope it's not a symptom of depression =.= LOL and im not trying to run away frm my problems alright????
im sure i'll be alright...in the meantime, 'when you see someone without a smile, give them one' :) it'll be nice making some1 smile, someone who actually needed it without u knowing....spread the joy, the love and care...
DEPRESSION.
- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or lossnot DRAMATIC yet- Very difficult to concentrate
- Fatigue and lack of energy
Feelings of hopelessness and helplessnessstill feeling some hope although it only feels like 30% =.=- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
Becoming withdrawn or isolatedwas going to do that on the 20th of feb!!! T.TLoss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyedmusic still heals.GOOD SIGN?? T,TThoughts of death or suicide- Trouble sleeping or
excessive sleeping
EARLY SYMPTOMS???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM NOT HAVING DEPRESSION RIIGHHTTT??RIGGHHTTT??! I STILL KNOW HOW TO LAUGH AND CRAP T.T so yeah im NOT having depression.
choices..
just as i thought that studies is not my first priority anymore and after a private talk with my another lecturer, it seemed wrong....what the hell is wrong with me?!im in a serious dilemma now....should i just be more patient and can i actually handle all of them???i dont know..I really dont...
i used to cared about my studies so much and now everything turned out like this....im feeling so cluelessly lost...what on earth actually changed my thinking like this??!!!!T.T all the what ifs...what if i failed again in dec???im gonna stuck with BOOKS again???what if i fail in june as well???towards the end of the year is always gonna be a busier month for me....
i really feel like focusing it all at the beginning of year when my work load isnt that heavy as compared to end of year...i guess i'll just talk to my parents and sis again....and have another talk with my another lecturer again...
i just hope it wont be too late for me to decide....
u stayed a lil while and touched me with your smile..
different lecturers have different way of motivating me....and i knew that i did not put in as much effort as i should the last sitting....i wouldnt put the blame on anyone except myself....I WILL NOT AND I WILL NEVER WILL(i hope that SOMEONE understands THIS).i admit that there were a lot of distractions.....AUSSIE TRIP...PROM..AUDIT VS TAX (u get what i mean =.=) ETC just as always, it's more happening at the end of the year =.=
now that things had turned out this way, i had came to a conclusion that studies is not my first priority now.....it's STILL my priority but it's not FIRST.....from day to day we make plans.....the route im taking now was planned ever since when i was 14.....im really glad that ive made it this FAR and things more or less, was according to plan...........decisions had been made and never once ive regretted about it.......but hey, plans change......circumstances and things that happen around us caused the plans to change....it changes your mindset and it changes YOU.so, enjoy all good things ure having now...treasure everyone and every thing...good friends and family...just treasure all of it before things change a person.............
and now, there's just a decision to be made......still hoping that i'll make a right one.........they are a lot of things im going after.......im NOT even half way there......im just disappointed with myself at times..........we all have deficiencies in our lives...money.....responsibilities that you cant run away from...and freedom...freedom to choose anything u like or u want and not being tied with responsibilities...my life may seemed PERFECT to you.......if it does, well....u dont know me very well do you?uve no idea what ive been going through day to day...YOU JUST DONT.
decisions that i made are sometimes not for my own.......the worst part is when the another party thinks that im making the decision for MYSELF.....guess how im feeling about it???uve NO IDEA.
ive no idea how long i can hold on to this.but one thing for sure, I WILL NOT BREAK THAT EASILY. there are times when im UPSET......DISAPPOINTED (what's the worst feeling than this?) and i'll start ranting everything out....and once i feel better, i'll delete the posts.........some are still hiding in this blog..........some, ive deleted them cuz it'll hurt my soul more.......one thing i know about me is that whenever im feeling down, there's really no one in this world who could make me feel better..........the only thing that i CAN do to make myself feel better, is MY MINDSET.
a very good friend of mine once told me that i push people away...........she's just so right about me..........i know there're people who cared about me and all i do is telling them off and telling them that I'LL BE FINE.....i dont know wthr they noticed or not but ive never said things like IM FINE. there's a big difference you see......you know why??i just hate explaining things whenever im feeling upset or whatsoever.....if i be honest and tell them that IM NOT OK, they'll definately start bugging me with the question WHY."i'll be fine". TRANSLATION: IM NOT FEELING OK BUT I WILL BE. "im fine". TRANSLATION: IM FINE =.= lol see the difference?????
to make me feel ok is just darn simple.CHANGE THE TOPIC.make me laugh.that's the strategy.im sorry but im just not really that good/open in/to share my problems unless im really really really close with someone...........
thanks for those who were ALWAYS there for me and i appreciate it.really.from the bottom of my heart.now.................a decision to be made T.T RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
when reality hits....
when my destiny is decided by what i'll get tomorrow....plans in life is always changing...either caused by things around you or even PEOPLE around you......
times when you feel like there's no one to support you and all they gave was just some remarks that you gotta ensure that it WONT bring you down.....
times that you gotta make your decision ensuring that you wont regret making and you'll be the one who say "I TOLD YOU SO" instead of others .....
either ways, just stay strong......
turn over a new leaf....
most of the time we spend time judging imperfections of others till we missed out their perfections.....we're too particular about what they did wrong.......
no one ever cared about what they did right....
once smthing wrong is done, it became a big issue.....
even bigger than any right things done............
anyhow..i'll just do my part and you do yours......it's just a start of somthing new.....sometimes i just wish that you could stop bringing back the past and used it as a topic in everything....you had never tried stopping for a moment to see how things had changed...you never gave yourself or any of us the chance to change.....because all along your mentality is that that we'll NEVER change.....
the way you think can really affect the way you act....
a song shared....
sharing too much songs with a person isnt really a good thing....but that's what ive been doing all along....when ive discovered a song that i really like, i'll go share it around with all my closest friends, with my bro and sis.......sharing as in not POSTING in FACEBOOK =.= but it's more like personally msg them and ask them to listen to it......
a feeling....
those are the most beautiful thing on earth.....as you all know that ive a thing with maples but you may not know that i love dandelions too....i think it was all because of the book written by cecelia ahern "If you can see me now". It was a really touching story that i cried at the ending.......my sis love dandelions too....same reason as mine, all thanks to that book :) we purposely bought a wallpaper of a dandelion and stuck it on our bedroom wall.....
